anger

i feel as if i will only feel beter till i hit and punch something or hurt myself but i promised to many people that i wouldnt but i never promised not to hurt others im the tiniest person on the earth but would love to fight and hit and kick as if my life depended on it also i think i would love to get hit also... i dont know why im so mad i have it pretty good...now... but i feel the anger and rage coiled up so tight and hot it feels like its burning me from the inside... im just so mad and when people hit me i cant ot hit back i feel as if im losing my self and i just got into caring about my grades... when im with my friends im not like this im happy but any other time i just get soooo mad i want to scream and hit and i KNOW even when i let out all the anger i felt at a certain moment it will always come back..i dont know what to do with my self when i listen to my type of music i get angrier because it reminds me of what i am and what im becoming... how am i ever going to get past this i know that everyone dies someday and that my day is coming... this and mt confusing ager is almost always what i can think about and i dont want to do therapy again i know i need it but i cant do that because that will just remind me of what a complete nutcase i am.... i dont want to deal with it any more but i dont know how not to
pebbles