Poem

I thought of this poem last night:

I hate when they fight
Especially at night
When we're supposed to be in our bed
Supposed to have happy dreams in our head
When they start to curse
I know things will get worse
But when will they cease
And bring the peace
So when we start a new day
We will forget what they say

Well...

Well nothing has been going on so far, well nothing exciting at least. I'm just doing normal teenage stuff. Wow, I thought I would never hear that.

My day:

1. Got caugt reading under my desk... Back in California I was famous for that... anyway that was Math
2. Lunch: had to apologixe to Kris for having a breakdown. I don't know what really happened, I just started to bawl in P.E. and it carried on through lunch and Kris was trying to be a good friend and I really didn't want him to see me with teary eyes and a beat red puffy face
3. Kate and I got in a miniature argument about my anti-depressants I want to take and she thinks that I don't need them I could have rebuttled with what happened to me on friday but I didn't feel like starting an argument. (Kate went on a UNR trip friday, she wasn't there. I'm kind of glad she wasn't, I mean she knows all about my... losses?, no, my greif?, my deaths? Well she knows and all but I don't want people to see me like that. I AM NOT EMO OR GOTHIC OR SCENE! Emo means emotions... I do admit that I have very uncontrolable emotions but I don't cut myself anymore.(The scars from the last time I cut myself are swtill there and that's beginning to worry me, I only used my nails, and I didn't even cut deep enough to draw blood[eventhough I wanted to] I just don't know why they're not healing) Gothic means well I'm not sure what it means my closest guess would be like Wiccans or something. But as it goes to show I can't be something that I don;t know what it is. Right? And Scene is like posers for emo. They pretend they have life problems or turn small things like losing a cell phone or getting grounded to losing a loved one or being abused. I have real problems so how could I possibly WANT to make something up?
4. I'm doing a new project, I'm going to try to write a novel in a guy's point of veiw without him sounding sexually confused. I want him to be a guy that would act like a teenaged guy. What I'm most worried about is writing about someone's abs in excellent description and having that description come out of my male character. Also I'm having trouble finding a good name that I haven't used before, I've used: Shane, Nick, Xavier, Chase, Justin, Seth, Danny, Owen, Tray,Marcus, Nathaniel, Willam, Nicolaus... Um I think that's it but if you guys can think of a name I would greatly appreciate it.
5. I totally want to start a James Patterson fan club, I swear if I can write as good as 1/10006493246823946329610 of this guy I would feel so accomplished as a writter. He is truly amazing and my writing idol. He's written the famous Maximum Ride, Daniel X, Witch and Wizard, and so many more(the ones I just listed are the teen ones) He's also more famouse for his array of adult books like: The Womans Murder Club, Alex Cross, and so many more. I'm reading a couple of his adult books. I've already finished When The Wind Blows and now I'm working towards finishing the sequel: The Lake House(Yes, that was the book I wwas reading when I got in trouble today,I'm just a crazy bibliophile!) . I also bought his first Alex Cross book. I can't wait. It doesn't matter to what age group he's writting to his adult books capture me, a sixteen-year- old girl. And his teen books have captured my grandmother just as easily if he were fishing.
6. My aunt and uncle are having some trouble up in Reno where they are dropping off my uncles' brother, the flight got delayed and it's windier than ever. And my lil bro had baseball practice today, he really lucked out. He was bummed that he couldn't go but his coach(coincedently also named Brett) picked him up and he was as chipper as he could be. So now it's just Chesnee, Porter House, Zeus the Moose, Evan, Stanley, C.J., and me. It's pretty quiet. I like it, well It's quit considering I can't hear anything other than Bullet For My Valentine screaming in my ear. =)

That's just about been it. Below is the begining of my Guy's P.O.V story entitled May 26th. Enjoy!

May 26th 2010. Nothing special, just another Wednesday. I bet someone told you everything was normal. They're wrong. That day, that seemingly normal Wednesday everything went wrong.

Now I bet your're confused, so let me backtrack a day, Tuesday The day before the Disaster.

I groaned silently as my alram clock went off. It was way too early, for both the time and the day of the week. I blearily opened my eyes and grunted knowing that I would have to face the day sooner or later. As much as I wished I could stay curled up in my bed I knew I had to go to school.

Yes, I realize that I actually could sleep in, call myself in, and play hooky. But sinde there was no one to wake me up and I would beat myself up afterwards I shrugged on what smelled like a clean shirt and jeans. After looking under bowls of long-forgotten food and clothes that were decompposing before my very eyes for my shoes and socks that didn't have holes. After I got ready I grabbed my backpack and ran out of the door.

As usual as any other day I started mt walk to school. The long walk was boring, especially being the only kid on the face of the earth stuck without an i-Pod or cell phone. When a sixteen year old kid has to live in an abandoned house, phone and music payments are way out of the question. So now I've seem to have gotten your attention. Yeah, you heard me right; I live in an abandoned house with no one but me, myself, and I. And I'm sixteen years of age, awfully young to live alone and provide for myself. Now if you're thinking that, I need to ask you a question. What era do you live in exactly? It's the twenty-first century. Kids my age are hooked on drugs, alcohol, or sex. So you really shouldn't be surprised that I am in my situation. You should be more surprised that I am actually a responsible sixteen year old guy. Well responsible in the area of not doing drugs or being addicted to alcohol and sex.

Well that's it so far, But the main character still needs a name, I thought of Ethan but that's an evil guy in the book I'm reading so I'm not sure if that's really going to work.

AuthorOfTomorrow

Uh... gee does every post need a title?

Nothing has been going on lately just been on Facebook and other sites and hoping my English Grade can pull through I just can't wait for spring break. I heard that Nevada gets 2 weeks of Spring Break! I hope that's true. Anyway I'm going to work on my story so see ya later!

Why doesn't he understand that I am so weak? That I need someone to love to keep my heart open. Why has he forgotten what it's like to be loved? Why does he make me want to cry and scream and hurt? Now I'm beginning to lose my only tie to being a normal kid, and losing the fragile gate that's trying so deperately hard to keep my heart open. I can't keep losing people! Two are already gone and I can't ever get them back. And now the only one I have left is changing to someone completley unrecognizable. Am I going to be stuck lost in the vortex of grief and depression forever? For the first time since my mothers' death I am scared. Completely and utterly scared. And there is nothing I can do to stop it, there is nothing I can do to change him, my light is gone.
What do I do now?

As of now my blog readers

As of now I'm going to mainly going to be hanging out on facebook because a whole bunch of my old friends from California are on there and I've missed them a lot so that's where I'll be.
Not much to say no excapt that it snowed this morning but that's it so I'll stop typing and save my typing fingers for my friends!
authoroftomorrow

What am I? Well a lot of things. I can't be just one... Can I?

Sorry for the uber long title. My counselor called me out of my health class today, she wanted to talk to me. Since the C.P.S. person came over I haven't been too keen on telling my counselor that I was stupid enough to actually believe lies that could destroy my family. But she isn't mad at me. Anyway we were talking about how I felt and of course I said that since I was grounded for speaking my feelings I haven't been interested in anything anymore and that I think I have 'depression'. She says that she thinks I do. (See! Now I can't be that crazy!) And she got me talking about suicide... A teen trend these days. I spilled. I told her that no I would never want to kill myself, but hurting myself is another story. I told her that I've cut myself twice, Once when I first got here, I told her how one of my friends was in a bad situation and that she showed my how and where to cut myself. (You know like with what tools and where people won't look) And I told her that I did it wrong and it really burned, not like it was supposed to. And I told her about when I cut myself a mont or so ago. I went to the bathroom and dug my nails into my skin, the cut didn't bleed like I wanted it too, it burned but that was good enough. And I told how I wanted to do it again today. Because I scratched Brett, I didn't want to hurt him I just wanted him to leave me alone. But my nails were stronger than I thought and I made him bleed, so then I needed to do something worse to myself because that was what I deserved for hurting someone who I loved so dearly.
Then we went on talking about my parents and what that made me. An orphan. I told her about a health assignment we had to do: There are 10 pple on a sinking boat, a life boat can only hold five people the other five will die, choose which five will live and die.
Anyway there was a family of three, a widow and her children. Someone wanted to save the children but leave the mom to die, I said that that would make them orphans, someone I know is an orphan that wouldn't be fair t0 the kids. (We have to use the term 'someone I know') Then she said, Yeah I guess you're right if they were orphans they would probably end up killing themselves doing something stupid.
I would've hit her right then and there but would that have made me a hypocrite? I don't want to kill myself but I have written suicide notes.
My counselor asked my why I cut and I say: There's no other way to get it out. I've written suicide notes to help me see what I have to live for, but I get yelled at, I get yelled at for beating on others too, the only way to help my feelings is to do something they don't know about.

When I said that I want help but no one is telling me how to get out, or telling me how to be mature. Technically I'm stuck inside a 14 year olds mind(when my mom died I was fourteen) My counselor agrees that no one is helping me. She said that I could use pills(anti-depressants)(she said this only after I brought them up) And that I would need more than that. But she's helping my step out of the cycle. I've been stcuk in it for almost two years and now I might finally be on the outside never to look in again. Isn't that a happy thought?
Well I'm done with my rant now so blog to you guys later.
-AuthorOfTomorrow

hey long time no see... err blog?

yeah as u can tell I haven't been doing my normal everyday blogging and what not but I guess the truth is that I haven't been feeling normal lately. I'm having another rough patch in my life but who doesn't? I don't really know what this rough part is really about. I think I'm going into depression. I think it's because I don't have to worry about things much anymore that I just don't have much to do and therefore aren't interested in anything anymore. Except my writting that is. That could also conclude for my "attitude" lately. From my aunt's perspective i've been moody and grouchy and just in general pretty horrible to everyone that matters (family and friends). But it's not like I try to be this way I just do it, like a second instinct, it just happens before I can think. Don't know how to stop it. And I'm not sure if I want to stop it either. If I don't care about things then maybe things in my life will become easier. Like deaths, for example, if I'm not close to anyone anymore then I dot have to go through what I did. I don't see why my aunt would be complaining that I keep acting like this. One, if I don't think about anything I get bored, which means that I will do my homework without complaint. So my daily routine would be something for someone like me to worship.

1. get up(get dressed, brush teeth, eat, ect.)
2. go to school (just deal with teachers)
3. lunch(put on a mask for my friends or retreat to the bathroom)
4. go home(after one more class)
5. do my homework
6. eat
7. go to bed(brush teeth, take shower)

To me it sounds great, slowly but surely I'm building a huge unbreakable shell that's keeping my sanity (or whats left of it) and myself away from the rest of the world. It sounds wonderfull and peaceful (despite my thoughts) If I could only find a way to keep my thoughts quiet then maybe I would be happy.

but the other dilema is my aspiring dream to be an author, clinically depressed or not I'm going to find a way to make that happen.

Oh, and another announcement before I go write and edit my many stories, PLEASE, IF YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN MY LIFE AND HENCEFORTH MY BLOG PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW MY BLOG.

I find it highly disrespectable that people are following my blog just to follow it, and the fact that people are posting "bad" sites on my comments. This is a place for a teenage girl to express her life as it flies by. If you do not care for what happens to me then please do not follow. Mostly I think that people who follow my blog respect the fact that I am sharing some of my deep thoughts with the internet based world. Plus it's always nice to help a couple orphans here and there like me with their problems. Anyway please don't follow if you do not care for what is on here. It gets me happy when people are seeing what I have to say and abusing that really hurts me and I have enough inside dilemas going on to worry about how my suppsed followers don't care about what this blog is about.

I think I'm done lecturing so I'm off to write and possible watch some Naruto episodes. (darn you kate! how dare you get me adddicted to surprisingly not boring anime!)

AuthorOfTomorrow