Sorry for the uber long title. My counselor called me out of my health class today, she wanted to talk to me. Since the C.P.S. person came over I haven't been too keen on telling my counselor that I was stupid enough to actually believe lies that could destroy my family. But she isn't mad at me. Anyway we were talking about how I felt and of course I said that since I was grounded for speaking my feelings I haven't been interested in anything anymore and that I think I have 'depression'. She says that she thinks I do. (See! Now I can't be that crazy!) And she got me talking about suicide... A teen trend these days. I spilled. I told her that no I would never want to kill myself, but hurting myself is another story. I told her that I've cut myself twice, Once when I first got here, I told her how one of my friends was in a bad situation and that she showed my how and where to cut myself. (You know like with what tools and where people won't look) And I told her that I did it wrong and it really burned, not like it was supposed to. And I told her about when I cut myself a mont or so ago. I went to the bathroom and dug my nails into my skin, the cut didn't bleed like I wanted it too, it burned but that was good enough. And I told how I wanted to do it again today. Because I scratched Brett, I didn't want to hurt him I just wanted him to leave me alone. But my nails were stronger than I thought and I made him bleed, so then I needed to do something worse to myself because that was what I deserved for hurting someone who I loved so dearly.
Then we went on talking about my parents and what that made me. An orphan. I told her about a health assignment we had to do: There are 10 pple on a sinking boat, a life boat can only hold five people the other five will die, choose which five will live and die.
Anyway there was a family of three, a widow and her children. Someone wanted to save the children but leave the mom to die, I said that that would make them orphans, someone I know is an orphan that wouldn't be fair t0 the kids. (We have to use the term 'someone I know') Then she said, Yeah I guess you're right if they were orphans they would probably end up killing themselves doing something stupid.
I would've hit her right then and there but would that have made me a hypocrite? I don't want to kill myself but I have written suicide notes.
My counselor asked my why I cut and I say: There's no other way to get it out. I've written suicide notes to help me see what I have to live for, but I get yelled at, I get yelled at for beating on others too, the only way to help my feelings is to do something they don't know about.
When I said that I want help but no one is telling me how to get out, or telling me how to be mature. Technically I'm stuck inside a 14 year olds mind(when my mom died I was fourteen) My counselor agrees that no one is helping me. She said that I could use pills(anti-depressants)(she said this only after I brought them up) And that I would need more than that. But she's helping my step out of the cycle. I've been stcuk in it for almost two years and now I might finally be on the outside never to look in again. Isn't that a happy thought?
Well I'm done with my rant now so blog to you guys later.
-AuthorOfTomorrow
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